I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
i dont know whats so great about being respectable.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
I don't think you seem to understand this concept. WHEN A GAY GUY HANDS YOU A DAIQUIRI, YOU DRINK IT.
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
Nothing says happy gameday like waking up in only an ACC Championship shirt in the qb's bed with a different football player
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
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