I swear she didn't look like that last week.
I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
Capitaan dildo arrescate!
im pretty sure one of the guys i was dancing with at graffiti wrote on my back "you rock". now feel like a danced with a 5 year old.
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
