my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
im letting my talent of no gag reflex go to waste
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
Randomize
