I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
so is it socially acceptable to send her an "i got my man back you whore" card?
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
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