whoa...plan B gets you drunker quicker.
You smell like stripper and shame
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
Are you still goin to the xmas party?
Yaaaa why?
Jus making sure i will have nice people i know to put a blanket over me when i pass out in the field .
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
NATIONAL GIVE A BOSTON COP A BLOW JOB BITCH ROAD TRIP NOW
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
Randomize
