My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
i was more sad about losing him as neighbor on fishville than as a boyfriend
No period for spring break; use this wisely.
I think the boy in my gender studies class cried when 90% of the girls said they had faked an orgasm
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
I think not having bongs in close range is good for my academia
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
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