just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
Her life must suck. All she's got is "Miss Shamrock" WHICH SHE LOST!
I'm in new territory... I've never had to convince a guy to let me give him head as an apology.
i could have sworn she did an overextended split with her legs over her head but now i think it was just the drugs
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
Randomize
