she did the YMCA with her lgs... i think she forgot she wasnt wearing any underwear
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
I will keep you posted and someday if we daydrink teach you how to do a footjob
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
Why do I have this feeling like this is heading in a slightly threesome-y direction
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
Randomize
