So I walked out of my room and there was my brother....standing naked
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
The work outs are working. Someone just said my body type was “Tits On A Stick”.
Randomize
