Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
through my window right now you can see the hot chick next door is standing BUTT ASS NAKED eating peanut butter off a knife.
ill be there in 5.
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
Randomize
