@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
Henry's handball, Tiger Wood's Car Crash, Roger Federer losing ... That's it....I'm throwing my Gillete away
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
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