his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
Randomize
