At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
Randomize
