My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
I'm Still in a robe trying to piece together 3-7am I'll be there in a few
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
dude he's still passed out in my bathtub. and his dick is half way in a 40 bottle... i really hope he was just trying to piss in it
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
Watching porn.....Adele is playing in the background...so many emotions right now...so many.
Randomize
