I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
Got hereat 8. Had 6 beers 2 shots and a game of diZZY BATOS
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
Randomize
