I keep trying to leave, but for some reason I'm staying
How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
Haha, you avoided her at all costs. And then she shoved her tits in your face
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
They shoved things up my nose I feel violated
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
Randomize
