Screwed.edu
In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
IDK but this explains my bloody dashboard.
Its completely acceptable to go naked under my graduation gown right?
Some ppl might frown upon it but theyre prudes
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
Can't wait to hear which one of you won the 'fuck a bigger geek' contest last night. Queen Amidala vs Lara Croft. See you at breakfast.
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
Randomize
