weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
I imagine the nuva ring like a bug zapper. It just kills them all.
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
Great way to live...just blowing loads on upholstery
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
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