First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
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