My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
Randomize
