Billy Mays is dead too!
Somewhat annoying American icons better be watching their backs
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
I don't know how many crown and cokes he went through but I know it was more that I have fingers. We are never leaving Texas.
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
Randomize
