My boss' voice literally gives me gas
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
You know I'm really starting to enjoy being everyones first gay experience
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
Randomize
