Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
Indoor beer darts at Rafs just turned into a trust exercise of putting your hand on the wall and closing your eyes while the other throws.. Almost gave Cale a Tracheotomy
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
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