I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
Eberyones makin fun of me cuz I found a snail and caught him and put him in a bocks for u
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
Randomize
