mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
you alive?
ya, the episode of maury where people are afraid of things are on, i had to keep livin
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
So what other shows do you masturbate to? Or is it just friends
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
The report specifies "melted cheese food" as the cause of the burns. Your pride, like your cock, isn't getting out of this without heavy damage.
Randomize
