I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
hey quick question, what would you consider to be a "first date" porn?
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
Randomize
