Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
He poured the shots. We did them together. I cheersd him out of the shower
its likemy ribs anf my hesrt aew cuddlingn
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
Fuck me I smell like cheese
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
