Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
Is it possibile to sprain your taint?
She was that bad?
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
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