I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
So me and friend just finished Eiffel towering this girl and sounds great in theory but after the high five has commenced its just a weird threesome especially when you make eye contact with your buddy during the session
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
This guy just walked into class and first thing he did was grab the garbage can, walk to his desk and say "just in case"
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
I think ur a lot drunker then u think u are. That girl has the body of a cartoon character and not in a good way.
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize
