Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
I just walked by a ginger with a mullet. I repeat GINGER mullet. So help us God.
so this rather large man keeps buying us drinks.......then he licked my face....i dont really care though because the drinks are good. Is this bad?
yeah i was sneaking up to her room and on the way i saw a picture of her and left
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
Seriously wondering if smoking a bowl for lunch was a bad idea.
OR THE BEST. STAY TUNED.
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
Randomize
