I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
how was that guy you hooked up with?
i used to think blowing a .05 was a good thing
I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
Home safe. Psyche shattered. Still rolling. In love with the morrocan rug in the living room.
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Randomize
