i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
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