I don't usually arrange sex via text message
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
Turned out not to be so bad. He had a big dick and i owed him for all the free beer over the year.
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
