i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
U shoulda just taken her to a stall and banged her and let me watch the game. Some friend u r.
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
We don't watch enough power rangers
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
Randomize
