you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
She sang Bad Romance to me. Not really the answer I was looking for.
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
I'd hate to be 100% hetero. Pretty sure they have less orgies
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
we f'd six times
f'd?
its sunday, i cant say fucked
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
Randomize
