Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
Well I don't know him that well so I don't think I can give advice. You should make him a cake. Or have sex with him.
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
What's the right thing to say when he sends me a picture of his penis ?
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
I think I just sharted jello shots
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
Randomize
