There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
Yep. About to get on pornhub to spill some Christmas cheer
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there
If letting him bang me while i'm wearing reindeer antlers and a painted red nose isn't the christmas spirit, I dont know what is
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
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