we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
Randomize
