I met the friendliest cop last night
Well, emily woke up in Hoboken, cati woke up in jersey city, and i woke up in brooklyn....and our hotel room we rented in the city remained empty. Best birthday yet.
Yeah i mean there's 3 guys fighting over me. It would just be bitchy of me not to get with at least 1.
My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
we fucked the fort apart but we'll rebuild it after we get some drinks.
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
Why did my mother make you get naked?
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
Randomize
