You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
He asked if I could ever take him seriously, I told him I just like his doggy style.....needless to say I snuck out after an awkward cuddle session... I wont be calling him at 2 am anymore.
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
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