I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
I'm not saying going to the volleyball games drunk on Tuesday night was a bad idea I'm just saying we shouldn't make a routine of it.
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
Randomize
