I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
...im seriously confused as to why this doesn't make sense to you. Girl hostage, rob casino. Makes perfect sense.
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
THE SUN DOESNT SET TIL 647 YAAAAASSSSSSSSSS. Goodbye seasonal depression hello regular depression
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
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