You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
He is an equal opportunity slut.
You can't just say things like "great depression theme party" and then not respond.
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
she was concerned about my dick piercings.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
Randomize
