Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
not sure what to think.... picked her up and her dad says "if you take her home, you'll regret it"
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
can we for just one second remember that I played with a homeless man's rat at st marks?
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
Randomize
