but the lizard people decide everything anyway
hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how concerned should I be
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
Randomize
