dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
Don't get the hula weed. It makes you sleep walk in destructive and confusing ways. I'll explain on Saturday.
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
check off brunette on the list of girls tht hit me with there cars and then fucked me later
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
And after we were done he said "Let's play a game! Who can find their clothes first"
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
No it's like. I don't respect you. And I think you're a terrible person but. I still wanna bone it out.
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
Randomize
