I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
so she bought me lunch gave me a blowie then paid for the gas since I drove... I think there's a catch but I'm gonna run with it
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
I got my project done and a booty call in all before 1am. I'm a professional college kid.
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
I'll pretend I don't know she's blind, my morals claimed the back seat in this adventure.
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
You are the jesus of drinking
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
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