Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
keep it on the DL tho cause i dont want it getting out and it coming off like i kidnapped her or something
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
how did the keg end up in the top bunk?
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
Seriously? A BAR is SPONSORING my 21... What did you do for your 21 again??
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
These tits shall not be calmed
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
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