I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
Queso dip and pictures of Daniel's penis. It's like the last days of Rome over here.
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
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