why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
You can't motorboat a personality
The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
Just saw a teacher from our school with his wife... Now i really know how little teachers get paid.
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
Randomize
