So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
the guy that filmed erin andrews naked got 27 months in jail. Every man that's seen it should send him cigs and a nail file baked in a cake. We owe it to him.
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
and you fell through a lawn chair
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
I've seen your dick too many times for both of us to be straight.
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize
